4/15 was a crazy day and i finally feel tired. everyone i know seems to be safe. i came close to processing my emotions a little while ago, in the bathroom. i splashed some water into my face and nearly lost it.

i dont want to be here and i dont want to go home and i dont want to be myself, right now. i want to, for a little while, become someone so different in such an unfamiliar place, that it scares me

mollie used to say this all the time. it’s something i started to say from time to time, because it is a fairly neutral way to compliment someone of any gender and i like that.

“—— and heather, see them fighting all the time”

once a year i re-read henry’s livejournal. he was posting the summer right before i met him (2002). funny. the night i met him he was super pissed. apparently the people who had been storing his drums for the summer decided to toss them out. i dont know if they were good friends of his, or what the arrangement exactly was, but it was pretty upsetting to mr joseph. i remember john telling me all summer about henry. how he was kind of a hothead, but a good guitar player, and how we should all play together. i was worried that he would take my place in the band i had sort of started with john and yair. when in fact, i had already taken HIS place. so when we met on that warm night, september and not too late but already dark, i was cautiously feeling my way around him, and im sure him with me. like two domesticated animals being introduced to each other.

ive been getting absolutely terrible crippling heartburn for the past few months. today i had it last night (took two tums like an old geezer), this morning (somehow was able to sleep through it) and again in the late morning after i got to work. im not sure if its the spicey meats and cheeses i eat right before i go to sleep, or the gigantic iced coffee i drink after getting to work, but something is burnin me up.

going to Vito’s tonight to watch the first part of the bruins game. cant believe jagr is playing. also maybe watch a few innings of the sox.

feeling really disconnected today. been somewhat unsatisfied at work, mostly through my own insecurities. i am a needy person.

withdrawing

but maybe ill type more here, who knows. i briefly considered reactivating my facebook as a joke on 4/1 - but i didnt. i wasnt sure what i was afraid of - offending people that i ostensibly cared about, or a deathly silence. i will admit to a fairly thin skin (and a fair skin at that, too) but these days i dare not open myself to anything. i push away everyone, friends and family. and at the same time, consider this to be acceptable.

Give me your troubles
I’ll keep them with mine
Take at your leisure
Take whatever you can find but
Oh my sweet thing
Don’t you know it’s alright

I may have changed my mind again

yeah, i dunno. i still think i’m done.

i really may have woken up from the wrong side of the bed today. getting rather punchy with people that i’m not sure are even aware that they’re stepping on my toes.

i’ve actually taken this belligerent mood that i started with a day or two ago and continued it today. but it’s not like I am instigating anything. it’s purely a reflection of the attitude i am receiving.

speaking of reflection…

if i don’t hear anything back from you after a few days or weeks of putting in effort, i have officially reached the time and place in my life where i will give up completely. happy birthday.

pretty things like lipstick on a cup